Going abroad to work and live has become the dream of young Nepalis. And permanent residency in Europe and America has become a craze. But up close, life abroad is not rosy. 

Poverty and lack of good jobs at home and better opportunities in other countries have caused huge exodus of young Nepalis. Now it has become sort of stigma not to have anyone from the family working and living abroad. Nepal has six million families, and three million of its people live and work in foreign countries: One person in every two families. Nepal has really become a country of children and the old. 

Livelihood abroad offers both opportunities and threats. The lucky ones get good jobs and realize their dream of good life. Others suffer, their dreams shattered. Brokers and agents suck their blood out. Consequently, the victims are stranded at foreign airports, killed in inhospitable routes to foreign countries, and offered jobs well below what was promised. Or they lose money paid to non-existent or blacklisted colleges. 

I have seen unemployed Nepalis spending nights in parks and under bridges and begging in the streets of Europe and the US. I have witnessed up to 10 people sharing one apartment and taking turns to sleep after 16-18 hours’ of hard labor like slaves in America. I have learned of people—male and female—prostituting to obtain residency in Britain. The media has shown the horrors of Nepalis living and working in Qatar. Many die from heat, exhaustion, and torture at the hands of their masters in Saudi Arabia.

But we seldom hear about them, because we Nepalis are remarkable in hiding pain and our dark side. We do not tell our relatives and friends in Nepal when we are down and out in foreign countries. Neither do we tell them when we are sick. But when we have even small good news, we euphorically share it. Whenever we go back to Nepal we buy a decent set of clothes, bags, and electronic goods and try to project that we are leading a prosperous life abroad. 

This sends a wrong message. This shows our false prosperity and hides our pain, our slavery, our begging and our sleeping in the parks in alien countries. Those who find a good anchor in the host country face the further challenge of identity. I have seen broadly two groups of Nepali diaspora: Those who come to Europe and America alone and those who have come with their immediate family. The first group is inextricably tethered to Nepal. Their body and work would be in a foreign country, but their mind and heart in Nepal. They watch Nepali movies, hear Nepali songs, speak the Nepali language, read Nepali news and follow events in Nepal. 

In the second group—those living in a foreign country with their immediate family—has two sub-groups: The assimilationists and the preservationists. The assimilationist parents want their children to blend in the local community. They often trash Nepal in front of their children, and discourage them from learning the Nepali language and practicing Nepali culture, though they themselves speak Nepali and enjoy Nepali culture. They take pride in the fact that their children do not know Nepali and do not appreciate Nepali culture.

I know of many such Nepali parents in the US and the UK. For instance, one family came to the US under diversity visa. From the beginning, they said they should think and act like Americans, because they were soon going to be Americans. Even though their English was pathetic, they always tried to speak in English with their children and discouraged them from learning Nepali. They take pride in the fact that their children do not know the Nepali language and do not care about the Nepali culture, for they are Americans. They trash anything Nepali constantly and have no good word for it. This tendency is by no means limited to Nepalis. I know of an Indian-American family with similar attitude. The parents discouraged their children from learning their native language and insisted on English. Though they encouraged their daughter to marry an Indian man to ensure that she has a stable family life, they prompted their sons to marry white Americans, so their children would blend seamlessly. They have only contempt for India and act more American than most Americans do. 

The preservationists believe that they need to preserve their old identity while trying to be active members of the host society. Therefore they run classes to teach their children Nepali language and encourage them to participate in Nepali cultural activities. Based on my experience, this group of Nepalis is in the majority in western countries. Both assimilationists and preservationists have basis to rationalize their attitude and behavior, up to a point. It makes sense to try to assimilate in the host society if that is what is going to be their home in the future. This is how a new identity is built. People from different European countries migrated to the US and acquired separate identity as Americans.

It also makes sense to try to preserve the old identity, because the new identity is not easy to acquire for minorities in the host country. In the US and Europe, someone from a minority group is a hyphenated American or European for generations: Japanese-American, Chinese-American, Indian-American, Nepali-American, Indian-British, Chinese-German, Vietnamese-French, etc. It reminds me of a conversation between an oriental woman and a white man in California, posted in Facebook. 

The man asks the woman where she is from. She says from America. Exactly from where, the man asks again. From California, she answers. Unsatisfied, the man asks where her parents came from. She says from California. Finally, he asks where her ancestors come from. She says from Korea. Then the woman asks the man where he is from. He says America. She asks where his parents came from. He says he was born in America and his parents came from Britain. 

In other words, even if you want to abandon your minority identity, the host society will constantly remind you who you are. In addition, you are routinely discriminated against. This is the case for the nearly 500,000 people of Nepali origin living in western countries, either having permanent residency or expecting to have it in the near future. For this group, the question of assimilation and preservation is most acute. 

After living in foreign countries for a number of years, I have come to believe this: If you have decided to settle abroad for good, a balanced approach serves you best. You should help your children assimilate locally without alienating them from their existing identity. Let grandparents also enjoy the company of grandchildren whenever they visit each other. Children learn quickly to carry multiple identities and benefit from them later. If your stay abroad is only temporary, preserving the existing identity will keep children firmly anchored to the identity that matters to them most.

In any case, life abroad is not as easy as we try to project in Nepal. But the question is: What has the government of Nepal done to promote Nepali language and culture abroad? Nothing.

Published on: 1 November  2014 | Republica