He last spoke to his wife two years ago. He has since then thrown away her belongings bit by bit and now his apartment holds almost no trace of her. "My mother in law had called me a few months ago asking me what I did with her belongings," says 32-year-old Nimesh Gurung.

 

When his wife left for Hong Kong three years ago, he wasn't happy with her decision but supported her all the same because she was so persistent. "I would probably have gone instead of her, but she really wanted to go. She had everything ready, there was nothing I could do," he says.

 

In the first six months, things were going well between them and she even sent him money twice. But one day, while going through her Facebook account, he found out about her relationship with a man in Hong Kong. Everything started going downhill.

 

Nimesh says their lack of communication also fueled their problems. "I think both of us started waiting for the other to call and start the conversation. It's difficult to maintain a long distance relationship, especially when there are problems. At such times, even the convenience of technology doesn't help," he says.

 

Migration in Nepal has always held a great appeal for young Nepalis, given the lack of employment opportunities in the country. According to the UN, an estimated 400,000 young Nepalis enter the foreign labor market each year.

 

They leave with dreams of a better life for themselves and their families. And while the economic benefits of migration cannot be contested, it's bringing a different set of issues along with the financial gains.

 

Sociologist Dr Meena Poudel of the International Organization for Migration says the cost of migration is slowly but surely increasing.

 

"Our old family value system is weakening and patriarchal values are breaking down. Migration has slowly uplifted women into more powerful positions. They finally have their say in the decision-making process. But we can also see the negative effect this has brought. We see many wives making financial decisions without consulting their husbands. Many times, the men return home to find that their wives have taken off with all their money."

 

Women also move from rural areas to semi urban and urban areas where they don't have much to keep them occupied. This move is brought about by reasons like better educational opportunities for children and to deal with the problem of social security, says Dr Poudel. She adds, "They move to a new place and become targets of men who see they're receiving remittance money."

 

These are the emerging issues related to migration, Dr Poudel points out. "We don't have statistics available because it's not a well researched area. We're simply following and understanding the trends right now. In a report (2013/14) by the Ministry of Labor and Employment and supported by IOM, we came across a number of divorce, separation and adultery cases. But the stigma of divorce is high and most people don't reveal that they are divorced."

 

She also says the destination country is an important factor when it comes to the effect on relationships. People leaving for Korea and Israel usually have a plan set in place because they are there on a contract and they know how much they can expect to earn and save. But people who migrate to countries like Malaysia and Qatar invariably find that their pay is very different from what they were expecting. This causes issues when they have to send money home and that's when the problems start creeping in.

 

Prem Limbu returned to Nepal last year after a decade long stay in Saudi Arabia. His reunion with his family hasn't exactly been what either he or his wife had been expecting. Soon after, he moved to his distant village of Khewang in Taplejung district to work on cardamom farming. While he handles the farm with his parents, his wife and son stay in Dharan.

 

His wife Bimala is not happy with his decision. She expected the family would stay together now that he was finally home. She says, "We didn't have a very good relationship when he was abroad but I think it's worsened now. I had hopes that we would stay together here in Dharan but he went off to Taplejung instead. I understand that it's because he sees a better prospect there, but he could have easily worked here."

 

When Prem was in the Middle East, he wasn't very good at keeping touch, says his wife. Phone calls were limited to once or twice a month and he sent money only every couple of months. "My father supported me financially," she says. "Whatever money my husband sent us wasn't enough to last more than a month."

 

Prem explains this, saying, "What happens is that friends ask to borrow money, citing emergency situations back home and they don't return it on time. I also put aside some money every month because I felt it was necessary to have some savings in case of emergencies."

 

With her husband not being home for so many years and with less-than-expected money coming in, did she ever feel like remarrying? "Thoughts of remarriage never entered my head. To be honest, my relatives did tell me to divorce him and marry someone else," she says.

 

Psychologist Karuna Kunwar is working on a Safer Migration project funded by Helvetas and has researched for this topic in Sarlahi, Khotang, Nawalparasi, Ramechhap, Dhanusha, and Kailali districts. She has done psycho-social intervention therapy for migrant families in these districts where the rate of depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic illnesses are high.

 

She explains her findings. "The irregular arrival of money causes a huge friction in relationships. The wife thinks he sends the money to his parents while they think she gets all the money. In the Tarai region, many girls marry at a young age and since they don't have citizenship certificates, they have to rely on others to receive the remittance. They are expected to pay a certain sum to that person."

 

She continues, "Another huge problem is that women are often accused of engaging in extra marital affairs and these accusations are conveyed to the husbands by neighbors. Only rarely does a husband ever trust his wife. They threaten the wife and want them out of home before their return."

 

In a case from Dhanusha, a woman from a Dalit community was accused of having an affair. People even claimed to have seen photos of her in compromising positions with another man. "She denied it all but she was scared that it might actually be her face in that photo as it's now possible to fix photographs using various technologies," says Kunwar.

 

Migration can also adversely affect children. The eldest is often responsible for the younger siblings, especially in cases where women leave the country for work. The fathers left behind often don't emphasize education, and instead quickly marry off the daughters, says the psychologist.

 

Through her research, Kunwar also came across cases where men working in Malaysia stopped all contact with their family and married someone else there.

 

While there are no figures available on divorce rates related to migration, it's a fact that divorces and separations are increasing. Just in the beginning of the new fiscal year 2015/16, 198 divorce cases have been filed in the Kathmandu District Court alone.

 

But even those figures may underreport the actual number of couples who split up after one migrates for work. In Nepal, many couples never register their marriages, so they don't have to file for divorce.

 

Nimesh never got around to registering his marriage either. "It's actually become a blessing in disguise. I don't have to meet her even once to go through the hassle of paperwork," he says.